Signs of the Times

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that there is some confusion regarding proper use of company restrooms. In accordance with the signs, men are to use the restrooms designated for men, and women are to use the restrooms designated for women. This is to ensure the comfort and fair treatment of all. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the designations for men’s and women’s restrooms are unclear. Men are to use the restrooms marked with a graphic of the male form, as indicated by the wearing of trousers, and women are to use the restrooms marked with a graphic of the female form, as indicated by the wearing of a skirt. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the graphics differentiating men from women based on attire are ambiguous, as one’s outfit is not necessarily indicative of one’s gender. To prevent further confusion, restrooms are no longer marked with these graphics, but rather colour-coded. Men are to use the blue restrooms, and women are to use the pink ones. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that arbitrarily assigning a colour to a restroom does not effectively indicate who should use the restroom, as colours do not correlate with being male or female. To prevent further confusion, all restrooms have been repainted yellow and now require voice activation to access the facilities. Restrooms for women will only open if the voice is suitably dainty, and restrooms for men will only open if the voice is suitably deep. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that human voices range greatly in octave, and that the voice activation systems may not sort male from female as intended. To prevent further confusion, all restrooms have been equipped with computerized full-body scanners that determine whether one’s sex organs are appropriate for use of the restroom. Restrooms for women require proof of breasts and a vagina, while restrooms for men require proof of a penis and testicles. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the full-body scanners used to grant restroom access are vulnerable to hacking. To prevent such an occurrence, all restrooms will now additionally be attended by a board-certified physician to independently confirm the results of the scanners. Please contact HR with any concerns.

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the wait time for restrooms is upward of thirty minutes, and that those who are unable to hold it any longer have taken to relieving themselves in the zen garden. This is disgusting, and the zen garden has been closed as a result. A schedule is being devised to improve wait times for restroom use and will be released shortly. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that bodily functions do not follow a schedule, and that restricting restroom use based on where one’s surname falls in the alphabet is impractical and unfair. Use of the restrooms has been restored to a first-come, first-serve basis. Wait times are expected to be between 30 and 45 minutes, so plan ahead. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that one’s biology will not change, and so if one is proven to be a man or woman, continued daily testing is unnecessary. Effective immediately, all employees will undergo a complete physical analysis to establish if one is male or female, and from that point forward, one will only need to provide proof of identity to use the restroom. Two pieces of government-issued photo ID and a fingerprint scan will suffice. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that one’s biology can, in fact, be changed through surgery and the use of supplemented hormones. To ensure appropriate restroom use, all restrooms have now been equipped with automated blood sampling stations to determine chromosomal makeup. Restrooms for women require proof of XX chromosomes, and restrooms for men require proof of XY. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the policies in place to ensure appropriate restroom use are exorbitant and invasive. Well, tough cookies. You’re only getting what you asked for. Additionally, to cover the escalating costs of restroom management and the corresponding loss of productivity, all salaries are being slashed by 10%. Thanks a lot.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

HR apologizes for the tone of the previous notice.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that the restroom situation is causing riots in the halls and vandalization of the facilities in question. To ensure the safety and comfort of all, employees must now be escorted into the restrooms by an armed security guard, provided, of course, one’s chromosomes are in order and suitable identification is present. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

Please stop TP-ing the security guards.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

Please stop TP-ing HR. It’s not our fault you can’t decide what you want.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

HR apologizes for the tone of the previous notice.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that many of you would like to rescind your previous concerns about what constitutes appropriate restroom use, because what you really want is assurance no one will peek at you. To ensure the comfort and privacy of all, in addition to passing all other checkpoints, employees must now submit to a lie detector test prior to using the restrooms, which will suss out any perverse intent. Please contact HR with any concerns.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

It has come to our attention that putting another obstacle between you and sweet relief wasn’t exactly what you had in mind when you said you just wanted privacy. Rest assured, your continued concerns are HR’s top priority, and an emergency meeting has been called to resolve this situation once and for all. Please stand by for the final decision.

 

 

Notice to all employees:

 

After long, hard, and careful deliberation by this company’s best minds, we’ve reached the conclusion that there is only one solution to the restroom situation that will ensure the comfort, privacy, and fair treatment of all. Effective immediately, all restroom checkpoints have been done away with, as have the restrooms themselves. Instead, the zen garden has been reopened as a communal space for waste relief. Large ferns and ambient music offer privacy, and small shovels and non-irritating leaves have been provided for your convenience. It’s become clear to us that the entire concept of creating specialized rooms for basic bodily functions is fallacious, and the only way to achieve true equality is to do away with these social constructs for good. Just go, the way you’re meant to. Now stop contacting HR with your concerns.

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